I have a tendency to hold on too tightly. I hold onto the different pieces of my life so tightly that my knuckles are turning white. I don't like to let go. I don't like to move the pieces around or release my grip even a tiny bit. Some people call this being a type-A personality and I'm sure that has something to do with it. However, I'm not convinced that it's the true reason I hold so tightly. I thrive off of having control and I'm at my happiest when things are going my way or the way I planned them. I have always been this way. I can't recall a time when I wasn't. I was a very bossy and opinionated preschooler if you know what I'm saying.
And while wanting to plan and be in control can be very beneficial, it can also hurt. A lot. When my plans fail I blame myself. I'm tortured by the idea that I failed. Unfortunately this leaves me trying to hold onto things even tighter. I hold tight and I don't trust.
Trust is a big deal in my family. Not because there are "trust issues". It's a big deal because my parents always told us to trust in God and His plan. "Jesus I Trust In You" is a phrase you will hear quite often around my parents house. I'd like to think that I'm good at trusting God. But the truth is, I don't think I am. I'm good at giving God only certain pieces of myself. I'm good at trusting in Him for only certain things. Then for the other things I rely on myself. I want control and I don't want to trust that God might have a different plan.
During these past few weeks of lent I've come to realize that my relationship with God is only at the surface. I have realized how much deeper He is calling me to go. I have realized that I am terrified of truly giving God all of the control. I can write blog posts about God, Instagram photos about time with God, tell my friends about my relationship with God but it's just surface stuff. I'm only at the tip of the iceberg in my faith and I want to dive down to see the enormity of what's below. I believe that this deeper relationship will only come when I truly let it all go. When I can finally open up my hands with all the pieces of me within and hand them over to God. I want my faith to have deeper roots. I don't want the roots to be weak and small.
And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down deep into him, and let your lives be built on him.Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7
^^^That is what I so desperately seek. I want to follow Him and grow. I want to trust in Him fully and grow. I want to love Him and grow. I can't do this if I'm clinging tightly to my broken pieces. God wants all of these pieces, not just the ones I am willing to part with. He wants them all. He wants me to hand them over to Him completely without conditions or reservations. Because that's how He loves me, without condition or reserve.
This lent has brought much more insight into my spiritual life then I ever could have imagined. I see so clearly the ways I am failing to trust and surrender and how I desperately need to fix that. I can shout from the rooftops (or from the tops of the internets) that I love and trust God with all my heart and soul. But if my actions don't reflect that? Then it is simply just living upon the surface of His ocean of mercy and grace. It's time to dive down to the very depths and give Him every single piece of me.